It’s your alibi, another splendid lie. it's bruises that you can't show.

Hi. I don't even know if anyone still reads this but I'm updating.

I did okay this semester with the exception that I think I accidentally skipped my music final. Other that I made it out of this semester with out a scratch.

I can't wait until 13 days from now. In 13 days I won't have to keep anymore secrets and I don't have to watch the damage they do. I kind of hate how immature my dad is. He made a deal with my brother that he won't tell my mom when he comes home high if my brother doesn't tell my mom when my dad's been drinking. I've been wanting to tell my mom for awhile now. It's a fucked up secret. It's not how parenting works. My dad's had a drinking problem for years. Since I was 11 and I'm tired of being the only one who recognizes it, the only one who doesn't buy his excuses out of convenience. We all know the truth but all ignore it until it escalates so far that it can't be pushed under the rug anymore and the cycle starts again. I'm not a little kid anymore. Before I leave I need to sign up for classes next week.

In 13 days I am moving to the shore for the summer. I'll be living alone. I'm getting a job and I'll be an hour and 45 minutes away from my friends and family. I look forward to it. Hopefully it'll give me some time to think and write that thing I always wanted to write. I don't know if it's a book persay but something. I've never been able to focus enough to even start it.

I wrote this a few days ago. It says a lot about where I'm at right now.



I am fine. Only fine. I'm barely making it., going through the motions of life with out participating. I do everything I can with the least amount of effort and work. My eyes look forward to sleep and dream of it in their own time. My mind dreads it. It is a time of peace and solitude where it is apt to wonder into the abyss. Territory once seen and never chased after. A world I would love to erase, times that would be happily forgotten. Although I cherish the moments of rest I let myself have; where I crawl into the dark only to feel the same when I wake. I still do not look forward to it. I feel the want of rest with out the relief. It is never what I bargained for. Even a dreamless sleep as its thorns. Every release makes itself known with equal consequences.

Fear and forgiving ride hand and hand, yet I cannot grasp it. I cannot find the air I am so kindly searching for. Chemicals and cures do nothing but make my tired mind more weary. It travels on it's own accord tracing over the things I do not dare to dream. Even to forgo sleep is it's own adventure. I cannot escape the foot steps and worries in my mind. I smoke cigarette after cigarette listening to the birds of the early hours wondering "what if" and they are endless, a task I can never accomplish. A thieving lust for torment and I know I can be my own cure. Only I can find my way out of the darkened forest but I have lost my map and dropped my compass. Take mercy on me sweet fate. I lie at your feet.

Gentle whispers of "I am more than this" echo throught out the countryside meeting deaf ears with happy applause. Left to my own devices I only implode and standing with help only brings dissapointed eyes. I may stand but enivitably I fall, harder and farther with each guided step I take.