sometimes

all I want to do is to smoke a cigarette.

but I'm out.

fucking lame.


how exciting
I'm sure you all are dying to know how cranky I get from nicotine withdrawal


my life can be separated in to a couple categories

Habits and addictions because sometimes I can't tell them apart.
friends
family
my train wreck love life
and lies

because once you fall into a lie it becomes part of you

He was my lie. A lie like a blanket I wrapped around myself to stay warm at night. Really what we are is a lie. Is it a habit that I keep taking him back or am I addicted to him? When I say take him back it sounds like I actually have something with him. We're like throwing a ball against a wall, we're here, we're there.

I remember when I thought I might mean something to him. What a naive little notion. He can't love and he plays the getting disowned by his parents because of their religion game so well. He plays the pity me game, he plays the I almost love you game, all he does is play games and their never any fun for me especially in the end.

Me and him aren't meant for each other. We don't get along. We're both troubled, we both have problems bigger than ourselves but you know what that makes? an even bigger problem.

He doesn't know about my past. He knows I've been knocked around a little bit...even once he my eyes to those of a dog that's been hit one too many times. It made me think of the outsiders.

I know his overly religious family probably made him the way he is. Who am I to make any judgements.

Sometimes I just want real silence. Sometimes I just wish I could have someone that I could be with and even though we haven't said a word we're still on the exact same page.

Things to do tomorrow:
Shower
DMV
write thank you notes
Clean upstairs
Call places
Write



I hate being alone.

Goodnight.