Ever So Sweet

At night I just lay awake
Most of the time I just drift off not sleeping
But thinking of all the what if's and trivial shit
Then it drifts into the things I hate thinking about
The things I don't think about if I can avoid it
Because sometimes if I remember the same snipet of a memory replays itself in my head for days
and I can't make it stop
And it gets me at the most horrible times
Driving in the car with a friend
Watching cartoons with my little brother
when I'm bored
when I'm trying to sleep
I lay there avoiding memories, I try to knock the thoughts out of my head
and then I get itchy
but on the inside and I have to do something
anything to get my mind somewhere else
Sometimes I write, I usually surf the web or watch mindless teen dramas
anything to get away from what lives in the back of my head
sometimes I can find a safe spot in my head and stay there for hours but it's not sleeping

Then there are the times I avoid sleep
because I know I'm going to dream something awful
I have violent nightmares
and I can't find the safe spot to save my life
It feels like all hope deserted me
I feel as scared as I was on the first day of kindergarten

Tonight is one of those nights
My friend gave me a book on christianity and is dying for me to read it
I played that game
and I lost