my useless charms.

I'm trying to keep my sanity. Maybe I just need to go away somewhere. Somewhere far away and warm preferably. I'm just scared. I guess I'm still that scared little girl who has no one to eat with at lunch so she eats in the bathroom. I'm still that little girl who misses her Dad and cries at night because she knows he doesn't miss her back. I want to grow up. I want to live a life worth living. I'm tired of coasting and just getting by. I'm tired of not being good enough. I am not this person I pretend to be.

"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke and a presumption that once our eyes watered."
- Tom Stoppard

A Loose Hair Falls into a Glass of Water Without Ice

I never know what I want until it is sitting in my lap. Then suddenly I no longer want it. It becomes just another burden in my life.

I can tell you what I know I do want though. I want somewhere nice to wake up. I want to do what I love and be surrounded by those who love me. I don’t want money or nice things. I want someone to bake for. I want to write something that means something to someone. I want to finish my book. A book I haven’t started but have been writing for 10 years. I don’t want a job I have to wake up at 7 am for.

I just want to lay in the fresh grass and let the dew soak through my clothes. I want to look at the stars and really see them. I want to hear the ocean in my ears and taste it’s salt on my tongue.

I want a home.

"Have you ever done coke before?" She asked me. "Yeah" I said. It wasn't a lie. I had done a line once in hopes to make an awkward situation less awkward. I guess it was fun, nothing to write home about or look back on fondly. "Well you're not doing it with me" she laughed. I didn't say much. I didn't care.

I guess she took that as hurt feelings. "You're just so young" and that was all she said before she offered my friend a line.

"I worry about you" my same friend said later. It was 5:30 am and we were sitting in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot. I had to work in 2 and a half hours and still had not been to bed yet. I was thoroughly stoned and just a touch sloppy thanks soco, amaretto and lime. "You're just so young, Lisa's right. You could do so many things". Then she told me I could go to cosmetology school. Her point was immediately invalid.

When people ask me what I want to do when I get older. I always say "I don't know". If I answered honestly I would say "I want to write" and they ask me to specify. And I would say "I don't know". I don't like when people ask me about what I write. Especially when they write as well. I always feel like it's more feeling out the competition than honest curiosity. So I just say I don't know.

To the one I won't scare off.

Sometimes I feel like there is someone missing in my life. I think it's the one I won't scare off. When we talk it will feel like we've known each other for ages. It won't feel like two puzzle pieces being forced to fit, like it has every other time. You won't think I'm damaged or a little too strange. And I'll never be awkward. I'll be happy, for awhile anyway. Until we start to drift, until I notice there's someone missing again. It was bound to happen anyway.

I had a pretty rough summer but I wouldn't trade it for the world. More than anything I've learned I just want someone to get stoned and eat toaster strudel with.

pitseleh

There are places in our lives that we’ve been that leave tiny holes in us. We might want to go back but we can’t. Maybe these things have been taken from us or it was just time to move on. But there’s no point in trying to fill these tiny holes with things or people. We need to let them sit and fester. We need to let them heal to make way for our next set of tiny wounds life inflicts on us. We have to make ourselves happy.

I tried filling these tiny holes with boys, with friends, with alcohol, with chemicals and nothing stuck. It was because I was looking in all the wrong places. Now that I’ve realized this I know that I just have to keep moving. Keep looking for the things life gives us to help us heal. I wasn’t looking before. I was angry at life. I was angry at the hand I was dealt. I was angry at everyone around me. Nothing ever seemed to pan out for me. I never seemed to be able to stay on the right path. I was misguided and I was lost. Everyone who tried to help me just seemed to make it worse. They wanted me to join them on their path. They wanted me to have what they had and to want what they wanted. But those things weren’t mine to have, or mine to want. They were only lent to me. They didn’t belong to me or my heart. Those things weren’t what I was meant for.

Now I just have to open up my eyes and look around. I have to find my own bliss. I have to make my own happiness. Dwelling on the past and on my own mistakes won’t help me avoid new ones. It just blinded me and made it easier to find excuses. Excuses to why I wasn’t doing the things I should be.

Life isn’t going to be any easier now. Finding my own path isn’t going to come naturally. I went off it and into the woods. Now I have to find the north star to help guide me back. I have to learn from my mistakes and remember. I have to remember that life is too short to spend in a haze. I just have to open my eyes and look around for the first time in years. I have to remember what I’m looking for.

Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.
-- Joseph Campbell

you're the yellow bird I've been waiting for.

I'm just tired of my past, my present and my seemingly nonexistent future. I want to be someone else. Anyone else. I'm digging myself a hole that I can't get out of and I can't even cry about it. I can't even bring myself to feel anything.

I feel so disconnected, like a joke I didn't get but laugh about anyway just because everyone else is.

Ever since the accident I just feel weird. Something changed and I'm not myself.

I am at a complete loss right now.

I got into a car with someone who had been drinking last night. The car flipped. Five people were inside not wearing seat belts. And we're all okay.

Why am I alive?